


Personal Discoveries

by neoqueentitania



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, and kirito is the valid trans boy helping his clueless and anxious friend, ninbinary sinon because heck yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24537754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoqueentitania/pseuds/neoqueentitania
Summary: Shino hasn't felt comfortable in her body in god-only-knows how long. What was causing this discomfort and anxiety? Cisgendered people felt this uncomfortable and unsure of their gender too, right?
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	Personal Discoveries

**Author's Note:**

> So... I actually wanted to write this for a while, but I got a comment on another fanfic I wrote asking for some Shino exploring the stupidity that is gender... So here it is! Love, your friendly local demiboy SAO weeb :)

Shino smiled weakly, fighting back familiar nausea in the pit of her stomach on the way back to her car. Visiting her mother hurt for many reasons, but recently there had been some form of new discomfort that she hadn’t known before. She looked down at the birthday card in her hands, turning it over as she stared blankly at the swirly handwriting written across the centre of the card.

_ Happy birthday to my beautiful daughter, I’m so proud of you. Love, Mom. _

She bit her lip, staring over and over again at the card as if it would make her feel more normal again, but all it did was make her feel distant from herself like she was watching her life play out from the eyes of someone else. It was not an entirely unfamiliar sensation, it usually came to her during bad panic attacks, but it was strange to experience when she was otherwise okay.

The feeling died down when she sat the card on her kitchen bench, forgetting about its existence as she flopped onto her bed. She sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the world on her chest. Again, the feeling wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, but it was unpleasant all the same. 

Deep down she wondered if she was just broken.

Her phone rang next to her, Kazuto’s voice sounding excited as he practically screamed down the phone, words all mixing together into unintelligible gibberish.

“Can you repeat that?” She asked once he took a break for a breath of air.

“My binder came!” Kazuto squealed, “It’s black and it fits and it looks so amazing, I can’t wait to wear it, I feel so great for once!”

She managed a half-hearted smile, “That’s great, I’m really happy for you.”

They spoke for a while longer, Shino forcing herself to feel happy for her friend. What was that feeling in the back of her mind? Was she jealous? She couldn’t have been. She was tired. That was all. She couldn’t possibly be…

She heard Kazuto’s voice cut out and dropped her phone back onto her bed. The boy really needed to learn to keep his phone charged for longer than five minutes. Maybe she’d buy him a new phone for his birthday.

In her mind, she knew she had to shower before she fell asleep, but dragging herself to the bathroom was a laborious task and actually getting into the shower was even worse. She just wanted to lay in her bed, with the lights off, in baggy clothes, ignoring her body in its entirety.

That was a normal thing for a cis-gendered person to feel, right?

Eventually, she dragged herself to the shower, keeping the lights off while she dropped her clothes to the floor and sat down. Her eyes were tightly shut and she kept her head directed towards the ceiling. If she didn’t look down she could still deny the sense of disassociation she felt with her body.

Her hands worked their way through her short hair as she washed it, sighing in almost contentment. That was the one thing she liked about her appearance. Short hair that her grandmother had once chided looked too similar to the boys in her grade. 

Maybe that was what she wanted.

The shower ended soon after it began. Shino reached for her glasses, putting them on before she stood up. They were covered in steam from the room but she didn’t mind, it was another chance for her to avoid catching herself in the mirror. 

Clothes were pulled on easily, a loose t-shirt and underwear that made her hate herself. Pants, she decided, required too much effort. Her door was locked, she’d be fine for one night. It was warm in her apartment, it wasn’t like she’d freeze to death.

Because her glasses were still slightly fogged over, she stubbed her toe on the door as she left the room, muttering curses under her breath. If she’d taken them off she would have seen.

She didn’t want to see.

Her bed was warm and inviting as she tucked herself in under the covers, turning off her bedside lamp and resigning herself to falling asleep with that unnamed feeling eating away at her insides.

Her dreams didn’t provide any relief.

She had managed to ignore the thoughts for the most part of the next day, distracting herself by planning to meet up with her friends that evening for dinner at Dicey’s. They’d be able to take her mind off things, surely - and she secretly hoped she could pull Kazuto to the side and ask him a few questions.

As a curious friend who wanted to be a good ally. Of course.

The cafe was loud and crowded and everything Shino needed to avoid. But, nevertheless, she sat in the booth her friends had piled themselves into, Rika sitting on the back of the chair and Asuna practically in Kazutp’s lap to make room for everyone. 

Suguha was sitting between Rika’s legs and a small collection of bags and purses, Ryoutarou was on their left and Ayano was squeezed between the wall and Kazuto. Shino sighed and shook her head as she sat next to Asuna.

“You guys really couldn’t have chosen a smaller place for us all,” She mumbled.

“Clearly you’ve never grown up with siblings,” Kazuto said, giving a less-than-subtle glance to Suguha, who folded her arms across her chest.

“I may have been clingy but at least I didn’t break into your room at ungodly hours,” she shot back playfully.

Everyone settled into light conversation, catching up on each other’s families and plans for the weekend. Everyone except for Shino, that is, who stayed quiet for most of the conversation, too busy being lost in her thoughts to even notice when she was spoken to unless she was prompted.

“I’m just going to get myself a glass of water, save my seat,” 

She stood up, taking her purse with her as she walked to the bar, swallowing hard as she weaved through a crowd of people. Agil was already serving a small group of customers, so she politely stood by the wall until he was free.

“Are you okay?” Kazuto asked, appearing behind her.

He had worn a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt. It wasn’t as loose as his usual wardrobe was and she noted with a hint of jealousy how his binder held his chest flat. She should’ve been happy for him. Why wasn’t she?

“I’m fine, there’s just too many people.” She told him.

Kazuto looked at her as if he had never believed a word from her mouth, then shook his head.

“Okay, tell me what’s really wrong,”

She sighed, “What’s wrong with me?”

She explained how she’d been feeling, having to pause repeatedly to calm herself down before she started crying. Every part of her discomfort came up, the detachment she had felt from her body, the nausea she experienced being called somebody’s daughter, the confusion and frustration from not being able to name her feelings.

Kazuto nodded along as she spoke, then cocked his head to the side almost in amusement. She shot him a glare.

“Shino,” he said, almost laughing, “You do realise what this is, right?”

She scanned his face. He was being sincere, she could tell that much. He was just being as much of a pain as he usually was, and she found it oddly comforting. Maybe things didn’t have to change after all.

She shook her head. She couldn’t be a guy. When she had listened to Kazuto’s rambling about his gender identity during phonecalls she had never once considered the possibility she was a man. It didn’t feel right, calling herself a man felt just as thick on her tongue as calling herself a woman did. It almost fit, but not quite, stuck heavy on her chest like a weighty anchor across her heart.

“I’m not a man, Kazuto, I… I already tried that,”

“You don’t just have to be a man or a woman,” he shrugged, “I guess just look some stuff up. Ask people. Gender is a social concept and it’s a terribly designed one,”

She let out a small chuckle as she stepped up to the bar to buy a glass of water.

“Tough conversation?” Agil asked as he motioned over to a very serious looking Kazuto. Shino realised that it was quite possibly the first time the man had ever seen him think before.

“Very.”

She paid for her water, making Agil vow to join them at their table once customers had settled down. He had laughed and agreed, asking her to save him a seat.

The conversation back at the table had somehow progressed to discussing a new event that had appeared in ALO, though Shino couldn’t concentrate on it. She was far too preoccupied thinking on what Kazuto had told her.

She didn’t have to be a woman or a man? Maybe she needed to explore that more.

When she got home she began researching, scrolling website after website, getting every first-hand account she could find, every individual’s definition of gender outside the binary boxes. She didn’t know how many hours she spent staring at different webpages. Every word she read had her more emotional, like someone was describing her experience personally.

“Nonbinary.”

She whispered it to herself, feeling it on her tongue. She smiled softly, repeating it over and over again.

“I’m nonbinary,” She said to herself, her lips tugging into a wide smile. It was something she needed to adjust to, certainly, but it felt right, it fit. 

She stood up, walking to her mirror and looking her reflection in the eye.

“My name is Shino Asada,” she began confidently - she couldn’t remember feeling like that in a long time, “I’m nonbinary. My name is Shino Asada and I’m nonbinary. My name is Shino Asada and I’m nonbinary!”

She couldn’t contain her excitement, dancing around her room and squealing into her pillow as she rolled around her bed, tears of joy forming in the corners of her eyes, not that she noticed or cared.

“My name is Shino Asada and I’m nonbinary!” 

“My name is Tomo Hosaka and I’m trying to sleep!” A neighbour from the lower floors of her apartment complex called.

Shino sheepishly called out an apology, then climbed into her bed, crying softly into her pillow. She was nonbinary.  _ They _ were nonbinary? The details could be worked out over time, working them out over breakfast in the morning sounded much better than trying to figure out gender as a concept at 1:58AM.

Just before falling asleep, Shino sent off a quick text to Kazuto, who would no-doubt be fast asleep. He could read it in the morning. They could talk it over then.

_ My name is Shino Asada and I’m nonbinary _ .


End file.
